My heart was pounding so hard.. and so fast that I could barely breathe. My hands were shaking, eyes searching for their faces, unable to see.
And then I saw them.

It was almost like I was seeing /her/ sitting there, thudding her fingers gently on the table, her feet kicking against the chair.
I smiled, she stood up and announced, "I want a hug."

She smelled of lilac and berries. Her warmth melted me, and I instantly felt Dakota's warmth in her.

Savanaah was another experience entirely. She was Dakota's everything--but her own little girl. I wouldn't ever make the mistake of calling S. Dakota, but there is no doubt of the similarities that they hold.

Her laugh was the most intoxicating. I wanted to bottle it up, keep it with me for darker times. I couldn't help but want her to laugh, so I could laugh too.

We walked all through the mall, and she laughed and pointed and squealed throughout every store. Finding the brightest object in the store and pointing it out.. Just like Dakota would if she were alive today.

I was also given a book today. The book didn't even make me sad. I thought that it would--almost make me cry, and not want to remember..but really, remembering the good times with Dakota was great. She wrote a biography about me in the inside..About how I was back when I was hanging out with her.

I laugh when I read her sentences, because in my mind I remember those times as "good" times of my life. After all the bad, it was my light in all of it.

Today I focused on looking for signs. I believe that Dakota is watching over me and she will guide me, somehow. There were a few signs that I can't ignore.
Savannah won a bear while we ate our lunch. While she made it do acrobats on the table, she giggled and screamed, "Knowledge is Power!" after her mother asked her what she says to her every night.

I think this is a sign that I need to continue on with schooling, and pressure myself to work well in school.

The second one is while we were walking in the mall-- we walked by a table with names on it pamphlets with DVD's. I'm not really sure what they're for, but the name stuck out.
On the right side it said "JASMINE."
On the left side it said, "CADENCE."
As soon as I saw it, I screamed, "CANDY, CANDY, LOOK! IT SAYS CADENCE!"
Candy was like, "Oh! It's a sign!"

That's definitely a sign.

Today I received a message. I read it-it sunk in.. and then I cried.

" I have something for you, from Dakota... Its not much but I have kept it all these years and well, I just feel that I need to give it to you.. Its a book that she made.."

I feel like the little tear that /is/ Dakota now..has been ripped open, but it's slowly healing now.. Maybe this is what I need. I want this.

Candy will come with me. We'll go see her- her grave.. then we'll go see her mom.

I'm nervous, but I'm so excited.

I woke up this morning feeling very drowsy. I couldn't open my eyes when the light was turned on. I still got up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

I'm really trying to turn my life around. I'm smiling and never saying "no" to anyone's request for me to do active things for them. Maybe when I lose weight, I'll get pregnant-- and my life will fall together, like a puzzle that just had a few pieces flipped the wrong way.

So that's when it's set-- when I have lost the weight, I'll attempt to get pregnant. It still leaves it as a surprise. :)

I think I like life, now..for the most part..

And K. is in town. It's exciting with her around..haha.